In short: The best way to talk with a young athlete about sports is to keep pre-game words short and supportive, cheer effort from the sideline, and save any feedback until your child is ready, often hours later and on their terms. Research shows athletes want different things from parents before, during, and after competition.
Ask open-ended questions, listen more than you advise, and make sure your child knows your love doesn't depend on the scoreboard.
Effective communication is the foundation of a strong parent-child relationship, especially when your child is involved in sports. When your athlete feels heard, supported, and valued, it strengthens their confidence on the field and off it.
Most sports parents want to help, and many aren’t sure what to say, or when. This guide covers what to say at each point on game day, how to handle the conversations that get hard, and how to adjust as your athlete grows.
MindBalanceSPORT’s co-founders, Dr. Brenna Chirby and Dr. Virginia Jones, are licensed psychologists with more than 20 years each in sport psychology, counseling, and mental health. Much of their work centers on youth and adolescent athletes and the families supporting them.
Table of Contents
What to Say Before, During, and After Games
Young athletes want different things from their parents at different moments. The words that help before a game can add pressure right after it.
Before the game, keep it short and warm. Last-minute tips add things to think about at the exact moment your child needs a clear head. “Have fun out there” and “I’m proud of you” are enough.
During the game, be a calm, visible supporter. Cheer effort and the whole team, and leave instructions to the coach. Conflicting advice from the stands pulls your child’s focus, and loud attention can embarrass them.
Right after the game, lead with connection, not analysis. A hug, a snack, and “I love watching you play” tell your child your support doesn’t depend on how they played. That phrase was popularized by coaching educators Bruce Brown and Rob Miller.
Later that day or the next, your child may be ready to talk. Let them lead. If they bring it up, ask questions before offering opinions.
Create an Open Dialogue
The goal is to help your child feel comfortable sharing their experiences without fear of judgment.
- Ask open-ended questions. Move beyond yes-or-no prompts like “Did you do well?” Instead, try “What part of the game felt most challenging?” or “What was something you enjoyed today?”
- Avoid interrogation. Keep conversations natural rather than turning them into a post-game review. Kids open up more when they don’t feel pressured.
- Ask what they want from you. Especially with teens, “Do you want my thoughts, or do you just want me to listen?” is a powerful question.
Practice Active Listening
To make your child feel valued:
- Eliminate distractions. Put phones and devices away.
- Show you’re engaged. Make eye contact and give them your full attention.
- Reflect what you hear. Try “It sounds like you felt frustrated during that drill,” or “I can see how excited you were about that play.”
- Resist the urge to fix. Sometimes your child just needs to be heard.
Reflecting their feelings shows your child their emotions matter, and it builds trust for future conversations.
Choose the Right Time to Talk
Timing is key to productive dialogue. Researchers who studied the car ride home found that some athletes enjoy those conversations while others simply endure them. The difference often comes down to timing and who starts the conversation.
- Avoid deep discussions right after games or practices, when emotions are still high.
- Use relaxed moments, like meals, walks, or downtime, for meaningful conversations.
- Let your child decompress before addressing performance or feedback.
- Let them bring it up first whenever possible.
Be Mindful of Your Tone
Your tone shapes how your message is received. Speak calmly and keep feedback constructive.
For example, instead of “You should have passed the ball more,” try “I noticed a few great passing opportunities. What was going through your mind during that play?“
A question invites your child to reflect. A verdict invites them to defend themselves. For more examples, see our 12 phrase swaps for coaches and parents.
Balance Guidance with Encouragement
It’s natural to want to offer advice, but don’t let it overshadow encouragement. Share feedback sparingly and make it actionable. Acknowledge strengths before discussing improvements, and if your child has a coach, let most technical feedback come from them.
Praise effort, attitude, and progress more than outcomes. That builds confidence that holds up after a loss. Our guide to growth mindset in youth sports explains why.
What the Research Says About Parent–Athlete Communication
| Study | What researchers found | What it means for you |
|---|---|---|
| Tamminen, Poucher & Povilaitis (2017) | Studied parent–athlete conversations on the car ride home. Some athletes enjoyed these talks, while others described enduring them. Timing, privacy, and how the conversation started made the difference. | Let your child set the timing for post-game talk. |
| Knight, Neely & Holt (2011) | Interviewed 36 female team-sport athletes (average age 13.5). Their preferences for parent behavior changed before, during, and after competition. They wanted encouragement, but not attention-grabbing cheering that embarrassed them. | Match what you do to the moment, and keep sideline support low-key. |
| Omli & Wiese-Bjornstal (2011) | Children most preferred parents who were supportive and attentive at games, and least preferred parents who acted like a demanding coach or an over-the-top fan. | Be the calm supporter, not a second coach. |
| Harwood & Knight (2015) | A position paper on sport-parenting expertise. Effective sport parents help manage the emotional demands of competition and adapt their involvement as children develop. | What works at 9 won't work at 16. Adjust as your athlete grows. |
How to Talk With Your Athlete at Different Ages
How you communicate should grow with your child. A younger athlete needs simple warmth, while a teenager needs more room and more respect for their independence.
| Age | What they tend to need | Try |
|---|---|---|
| Ages 8–12 | Short, warm, simple conversations. Sport is mostly about fun, effort, and friends. | "What was the most fun part today?" Offer one piece of feedback, and only if they ask. |
| Ages 13–15 | More self-conscious and aware of comparison. Identity and friendships are tied up in the team. | "How did you feel about today?" Keep praise private if public attention embarrasses them. |
| Ages 16–18 | More independence. Pressure around playing time, rankings, or recruiting can build. | "Do you want my take, or do you just want to vent?" Ask permission before giving advice. |
Tough Conversations: What to Say When It Gets Hard
Some conversations are harder than a post-game chat. Here’s what may be going on beneath the surface, and a place to start.
| The situation | What may be going on | Try saying |
|---|---|---|
| Won't talk after a game | Still processing, tired, or embarrassed | "No need to talk now. I'm here whenever you want." |
| Cries after a loss | They care, and the emotion needs somewhere to go | "That really hurt. It's okay to be upset." |
| Blames the coach or teammates | Protecting their confidence after a tough day | "That sounds frustrating. What part of it can you control?" |
| Says they want to quit | Could be burnout, a social issue, or just a bad week | "Tell me more about what's making you feel that way." |
| Got cut or benched | A hit to identity and belonging | "You're still you, and I'm proud of you. What do you want to do next?" |
| Coming back from an injury | Fear of getting hurt again, or feeling left behind | "It makes sense to feel nervous. What would help you feel ready?" |
| After a big win | Risk of tying their worth to results | "You looked like you were having fun out there. What worked for you today?" |
If your athlete is working back from an injury, our injury recovery and return-to-play support page explains how mental performance coaching fits alongside medical care. If your child keeps psyching themselves out before competition, see what to do when your child gets in their head in sports.
When to Get Outside Support
Sometimes kids find it easier to talk through pressure with someone outside the family. That’s normal, and it isn’t a sign that you’re doing something wrong.
Consider extra support when your child’s stress around sport lasts for several weeks, spreads into school or sleep, or takes the fun out of a sport they used to love. It’s also worth considering when every conversation about sport turns into conflict. These can be signs of burnout.
At MindBalanceSPORT, youth athletes work one-on-one with a mental performance coach matched to their sport and age, through The MBS Approach. Coaching starts with the MBS Mindset Assessment, which sets a baseline for confidence and stress responses.
Curious what sessions look like? Read what to expect from a mental performance coach.
Key Takeaways
- Match your words to the moment. Keep it short before games, supportive during them, and connection-first right after.
- Let your child set the timing. Post-game talks go better when athletes have had time to decompress and can bring it up themselves.
- Ask more than you tell. Open-ended questions and active listening build trust and self-awareness.
- Be the calm supporter, not a second coach. Kids prefer low-key encouragement and technical feedback from their coach.
- Adjust as they grow. Younger athletes need simple warmth; teens need more independence and to be asked before being advised.
- Get support when it’s needed. A mental performance coach can help when pressure lasts for weeks or conversations keep turning into conflict.
Open, empathetic communication fosters confidence, trust, and resilience. When conversations center on effort, reflection, and encouragement, sport becomes about growth and connection, not just competition.
Sources:
- Tamminen, K. A., Poucher, Z. A., & Povilaitis, V. (2017). The car ride home: An interpretive examination of parent–athlete sport conversations. Sport, Exercise, and Performance Psychology, 6(4), 325–339.
- Knight, C. J., Neely, K. C., & Holt, N. L. (2011). Parental behaviors in team sports: How do female athletes want parents to behave? Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, 23(1), 76–92.
- Omli, J., & Wiese-Bjornstal, D. M. (2011). Kids speak: Preferred parental behavior at youth sport events. Research Quarterly for Exercise and Sport, 82(4), 702–711.
- Harwood, C. G., & Knight, C. J. (2015). Parenting in youth sport: A position paper on parenting expertise. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 16, 24–35.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I say to my child before a game?
Keep it short and supportive, such as “Have fun out there” or “I’m proud of you.” Avoid last-minute technical tips or talk about playing time, because they add pressure right when your child needs a clear head. MindBalanceSPORT mental performance coaches often help young athletes build their own pre-game routine, so parents can simply be supportive.
Should I talk about the game on the car ride home?
Usually, let your child decide. Research on the car ride home found that some athletes enjoy post-game talks while others endure them, and timing is often the difference. Start with connection, like “I love watching you play,” and save feedback for later, ideally when your child brings it up.
What should I do if my child doesn't want to talk after a game?
Give them space and let them know you’re available: “No need to talk now. I’m here whenever you want.” Many young athletes need time to process, especially after a loss. If your child regularly shuts down about sport for weeks at a time, a MindBalanceSPORT mental performance coach can offer a place to talk through pressure outside the family.
How do I talk to my child about quitting a sport?
Stay curious before you react. Ask “Tell me more about what’s making you feel that way,” and listen for whether it’s burnout, a social issue, a coach relationship, or just a hard week. Separating a bad stretch from a real change in interest helps you decide together what comes next.
How do I give my young athlete feedback without adding pressure?
Ask permission first, keep it to one specific point, and pair it with genuine encouragement. Questions like “What was going through your mind on that play?” invite reflection instead of defensiveness. Leave most technical feedback to the coach, and focus your comments on effort and attitude.
How do I talk to a teenage athlete who shuts me out?
Teens often want more independence, so ask what they need: “Do you want my take, or do you just want to vent?” Keep praise private if public attention embarrasses them, and use low-pressure moments like drives or meals to connect. MindBalanceSPORT coaches work with many teenage athletes who find it easier to open up to someone outside the family.
Can a mental performance coach help if my child won't open up to me?
Yes. Many young athletes find it easier to talk through nerves, confidence, and pressure with a coach outside the family. At MindBalanceSPORT, youth athletes are matched with a mental performance coach who fits their sport and age, with licensed psychologists available if a concern goes beyond performance. Parents can start with a free 20-minute consultation to talk through what they’re seeing.
Schedule a Consultation with MindBalanceSPORT
If conversations about sport have become hard at home, or your young athlete is carrying more pressure than they can talk about, start with a free consultation. We'll listen to what you're seeing and match your child with a MindBalanceSPORT mental performance coach who specializes in youth athletes.
Schedule a ConsultationPhone: 571-556-5423
Email: info@mindbalancesport.com
In person in McLean, VA and Plano, TX, and virtually nationwide.
